State of Mind: Over the Heather

forgive me! this is my original art and i own it!

In this journey of life, some things seem simple yet complicated. You just can’t find the line that divides them both. And at times, you are stuck between both worlds. The terms right and wrong may seem ambiguous. So what am I trying to say? Life can seem unfair sometimes but we have to deal with it. We have to train your thoughts. “Feeling should be controlled”, can seem easy but I know how difficult it is first-hand.

Toxicity:

Frankly, when I was little I literally thought that everybody else is very beautiful except me since accepting that you are beautiful seemed rude. I cultivated that thought and slowly that thought started invading me. But frankly, I used to admire others’ beauty and never once in my life thought fair-skinned people are lucky and brown skin people aren’t. Then when I started watching kpop, I had this uncomfortable urge to look like them and since I didn’t, I felt unlucky. And I had always been overweight and always thought that it was because of that I couldn’t make friends easily. But later realized people of my size could easily make friends and what I lacked was my personality. I literally tried to change: I frankly don’t like to share the same spoon, sip the same bottles or have a bite from the same portion as others did (unless it’s a solemn emergency situation)but I did all these things(for a certain period of time). I don’t like bunking class but I did and it was not worth the fun. I still felt it was me who was sticking on to them and felt one-sided. Even though I tried very hard to be like others, I still didn’t feel happy. Frankly, I couldn’t change my personality. And in the end, I started coming to my old self and told myself that this is me and nothing can change. They say, it’s what you choose but in my case, it was not the case. Maybe I can choose, how I want me to be but I can’t choose how others see me. And I felt still unlucky because something that I have always wanted to seemed like something that I’d never have. Most of the time, I couldn’t deal with it but I convinced myself I’ll reach a better state than this.

As time went by, these conflicting thoughts started arising. Slowly I felt uncomfortable about the things I used to like and wanted. To be honest, nothing seemed real. And this very life is temporary. I wanted to understand the meaning of life. And I am still curious about a lot of things. What is the meaning of my existence?

SELF-LOVE:

Frankly, I never liked myself in the beginning. But slowly I was left with me. All along my journey, if I had that one person who completely knows me and understands me is me. If I made a mistake, I know that I didn’t mean to in the very first place irrespective of whether I liked me or not. In situations where I couldn’t defend myself, I understood myself I was trying to. Irrespective of whatever I have dealt with, my subconscious self was transparent to my conscious self. And after looking through all this stuff, I realized that I don’t deserve to be hated, most importantly by me. Slowly I started to realize my self-worth. It’s common to feel often that you are not enough, but the truth is you are perfectly enough. Back in my high school when my grades were dropping when the most important exams were nearing, a doctor advised me to see a counselor and so my mom took me to one(just to boost up my confidence). And upon a particular topic, when he asked my mom about my personality and behavior in general and when my mom told him that I am kind and wouldn’t hurt anybody, he simply said, “What else in a person other than that is needed?”. That was the first time ever, I felt something positive about my personality. And looking back I realized how much I have improved. And looking forward, I just need to do little things every day to make a satisfactory difference in my life.

Things to be thankful for instead of feeling sad:

1. Instagram: like and follow requests, if it’s not accepted by certain people, be thankful. Cause you’ve got one less problem girl! Well, ironically following a request accepted doesn’t mean you’ve got one more problem. In life, we are meant to remember only certain people, not all of them. Trust me, when I was younger, I blatantly used to believe that everyone we meet has a meaning in life from a random stranger waiting for the bus in a bus stand, to a classmate whom you see every day in school and has nothing to do with you. But the truth is, people who have had a huge impact on you could also be very meaningless and not lasting. That’s what makes some things special over others. (This is what, I have come up with, and forgive me if you have a different idea about this, and totally up to you).
2. Fewer Friends: Obviously having fewer friends. Well, you can know more people in general and create an acquaintance with them but having fewer friends would give you more space to show your original personality. You feel free to express yourself but rather in a big group probably you could have lesser attention(maybe). Having a lot of friends could be great and nice but if you have fewer friends, that is also equally great and nice.
3. Being Average: Well, this could seem weird but being average. You could misunderstand me when I say that but when you are average you be at peace and be happy. And most importantly when you are at average, you become a greater version of yourself and achieve goals that make you happy. And being average helps you to be stress-free, believe in yourself, motivates you, pushes you further, doesn’t lets you care about others’ opinion, and in general makes you the main character of your life.

The above things could differ for everybody and I said things from my point of view and how I’ve seen life. And especially I don’t want y’all to misunderstand the last point about being average since people think subconsciously that success is very far away but the truth is a success is in the footsteps of being averagely consistent: very attainable and reachable if you are not overthinking.

Self-love is very important, you are already enough. You don’t have to know what he/she thinks of you; You don’t have to impress a crowd; At the end of the day, all you need to do is to be yourself and see what makes you happy. Never forget: make yourself mentally fit. You don’t have to do everything but you can do one thing at a time.

Wanting to be like someone else can seem totally easy but being yourself is something you own. You should be proud of it: your personality, your hobbies, things you like, your hair, your skin, your body, your face, your eyes, and everything. You can always keep improving but never try to be someone else because being yourself is the ultimate truth. So next time, don’t be hesitant to say you don’t like something just because others like it! You go, girl!